Tinnitus 3 yrs. & counting
If you and I were having a conversation you’d never know you were competing with a hiss in my ear. Or a squeal. I don’t make faces. Or cup my ears. (Ear. It’s only in one ear, not both.)
I don’t talk about it that much any more.
However, I did talk about it ad nauseam when it first started because when you tell the world, sometimes there’s someone who has a cure. But there is no cure for Tinnitus. I’ll just call it T.
I receive occasional emails from readers and friends who reach out to compare notes and see how I’m faring.
I wrote about it when I got it, then a few months later and again in 2025. This will be my last installment. Unless of course, it miraculously disappears. THAT will be something to report.
Everyone’s T is different. Some stems from hearing loss. Mine does not. Mine started with an ear tube my ENT inserted to drain fluid so I could fly. (On a plane. Not like Peter Pan.) Anyway I guess it fucked with my cochlear equipment and my brain tried to compensate.
One of the 5 doctors I consulted estimated it would be 3 years til I’d “habituate” and wouldn’t notice it anymore.
Well, it was 3 years this past July. On July 1, I woke up like it was my birthday, expecting it to have vanished 😳 . Of course, it did not.
I’ve learned to co-exist with my T. I have learned it can be co-existed with. (2 slightly different things). As long as I’m engaged in meaningful, enjoyable, productive activity, the more I have to look forward to, the better I co-exist.
When I’m in the zone – or under a spell…writing a song, or hovering over my computer determined to find a more accurate adjective or physical gesture for my novel, I don’t hear it! I don’t hear Adam call my name either. I don’t see my texts. I don’t feel hunger. It’s not that the T isn’t there. It’s just that I’m doing something I like more than I hate the T.
This doesn’t leave me a lot of down time though, because downtime is quiet. And quiet is the worst. And so … in way, I’ve been more productive than ever. Isn’t it Ironic? Don’t you think? Finding my timing this late in my career? How’s that for a mixed metaphor?
There were a few days, like 4 in a row recently, when it subsided. Like Considerably. And I thought … that’s it. The Universe decided it was enough! I did my time. I learned my lesson. Though, I’m not sure what the lesson was but … I must have learned something. Actually, I believe I did. Dive into and savor what you love.
I didn’t celebrate though, because it’s not uncommon for the T to mysteriously vanish for 24 hours before it’s right back in the morning.
And so, I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But four days? My hopes were way up. Alas, on day five – FIRE! What a fool to have thought it was over …
I’ve tried all the herbs, vitamins, gadgets, red light therapy, Lenire (what a waste of 5K that was), creams, drops, acupuncture, chiropractic, Reiki, hearing aids, cognitive behavior therapy, guided meditation.
When it’s on 11, I fire up the white noise machines, Alabama Shakes, turn on fans, listen to audiobooks. The more noise the better. Distractions. It works.
I have a bottle of Xanax on hand for when it’s over the top. But, I’ve noticed, I don’t reach for it any more. I just get though it.
The devise I continue to find most helpful is my AirPods Pros – they come with this built in function that makes everything else louder. $299. Way cheaper than hearing aids.
Listen, at this point, I consider myself lucky. Some people don’t get quiet days at all. Ever.
Admittedly, in the beginning I was so freaked out: WTF is that sound and someone get it the fuck out of my head!
Now, I co-exist and stay busy. Dive into and savor what I love.
It still bothers me but I’m not talk-me-off-the-ledge anymore.
I guess that’s progress.
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